


façade

by ourdestiny



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Shapeshifting, mentions of past bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 18:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14837003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourdestiny/pseuds/ourdestiny
Summary: Sehun was the most popular stripper in an elite club thanks to his ability to shapeshift. He never showed up as his real self because he was ashamed of himself. One day, an important client booked him and asked him to show up as his real self.





	façade

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt #: 107
> 
> Pairing: Oh Sehun/Kim Jongin
> 
> Rating: NC-17
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of self-harm, a really insecure Sehun, mentions of past bullying, mentions of rape/attempted rape
> 
> Author’s note: Special thanks to my friend slash beta who literally had to kick my ass so I could finish this fic. Thank you for brainstorming with me and motivating me to finish this. Love you, I!! Dear prompter, I hope I did your prompt justice! For my readers, I hope you will like this fic! <3

“Did you ever wonder how do your parents look like?” Jongdae’s voice cut through the silence of the night.

 

Sehun took a gulp of the cheap beer before answering. “Nah. Why would I think about the people that abandoned me?”

 

Jongdae shrugged before leaning his head on Sehun’s shoulder. “I did, and I like to think of the reasons why they left me there. I wonder how I will react if I meet them in the future. Will I be happy, or will I be mad.”

 

Sehun snorted. “Don’t waste your time thinking about them, Dae. They are not worth it.”

 

“Do you hate them that much?” Jongdae lifted his head so he could see Sehun’s face.

 

“How can I not? They left me in front of an orphanage when I was barely a month old. They abandoned me in a place that ruined me. That place was hell, Dae. You were there, you knew it.”

 

Jongdae sighed sadly while tracing a finger along the huge burn scar on Sehun’s left cheek. “I know. I’m sorry.”

 

Sehun closed his eyes briefly before he shook his head. “Let’s not talk about it anymore. Please.”

 

“Okay. Okay, Sehun.”

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


He pulled the hood of his hoodie down as low as possible as he got into the packed train. He hated going out during rush hour but his boss had called him, asking him to come to work earlier because there was an important client waiting for him.

 

Shoving his fingers into the pockets, he hung his head low and tried to focus on the song playing through his earphones. Two more stations before his stop and he really hoped the train could move faster.

 

He could feel people’s gaze on him but he ignored them. He had gotten used to it. He knew he was going to get unwanted attentions because of the way he dressed. Black hoodie, black pants, black shoes, and a black mask. People probably thought he was a robber or something. But it was still better compared to the attentions he got when he was not wearing a mask.

  
  
  


Baekhyun was already waiting for him when he entered the club. “What took you so long?”

 

“Train was full. Had to wait for another one.” He answered.

 

“Next time just take the taxi. I am going to pay for the fee.”

 

He raised an eyebrow even though Baekhyun couldn’t see it because of his hoodie. “Is this client that important?”

 

“He is a client from Japan. He is willing to pay twice the normal price so yes, he is important.” Baekhyun chirped happily.

 

“Who does he want?”

 

“Maria Ozawa.”

 

He snorted loudly. “Guess watching her from his computer screen is not enough, huh?”

 

“Don’t make fun of your client, Sehun.” Baekhyun tried to sound stern but it was obvious he was holding back a laughter too.

 

“Has he signed the contract?” He asked.

 

“Of course.”

 

“He agreed to all the terms and conditions?”

 

“Yeah. No touching, no kissing. He got it. Don’t worry.” Baekhyun reassured him.

 

“Okay, good. I am going to get ready.”

 

“You have 5 minutes. I have put a folder full of her pictures in your room so you can use it as a reference. Oh, and he is waiting for you in room 2.” Baekhyun told him.

 

“Got it.” He said while walking toward his own dressing room.

  
  


Being a stripper was not his dream job, but it was the only job that paid him well. Growing up in a shitty orphanage, he didn’t go to school. He learned how to read and write from a kind volunteer that came to teach them every week. When he ran away from the orphanage, he had nothing but the clothes on his body and Jongdae.

 

Baekhyun found both of them shivering in the middle of December in front of his club. After finding out about his super power, Baekhyun had immediately offered him a job as a stripper in his club. As for Jongdae, Baekhyun was kind enough to let Jongdae worked behind the bar as a bartender.

 

That was one year ago, and now, he had become the most sought-out stripper in their club. All thanks to his ability to shift into anyone he wanted, or in this case, his clients wanted. He was blessed with the natural talent for dancing. He learned how to dance in order to satisfy his clients in no time. The fact that he was someone else when he was stripping was also making things easier, because there was no chance he would be able to seduce his clients in his real form.

 

When he first started this job, he let the clients to touch him. But then he realized how much he hated it and how risky it was, especially after one client almost raped him. Even though he was shapeshifting into someone else, it’s still him inside the body and he still could feel everything.

 

Baekhyun, thankfully, was understanding, and decided to help Sehun by making the clients signed a contract before the session started. No kissing and touching were allowed. If clients broke the rules, they were going to get crushed by the bodyguards Baekhyun had assigned to guard in front of the door.

 

Even with such inconvenient rules, Sehun didn’t lose his popularity. Instead, the amount of clients rose up every week. Baekhyun was happy, and so did Sehun. All was well. It was not the best job, but as long as it could feed him and pay his bills, then he wouldn’t complain.

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


“I think pink mask will look good on you.” Jongdae commented one day and Sehun didn’t even bat an eyelash at the absurd statement.

 

“Yeah yeah.” He replied absentmindedly.

 

“Sehunnie, are you getting bored of me?” Jongdae pouted.

 

“You have been saying that for the past few months, so yes I am getting bored of it.” He rolled his eyes at his best friend.

 

“But for real though, you have been using the black mask for one year. Aren’t you bored of it?”

 

“Black makes me look chic.”

 

Jongdae snorted so loud Sehun was worried he might hurt his nose. “You look gloomy. Look at your wardrobe. All black. It’s so depressing to look at.”

 

“That’s the perfect interpretation of my life” He replied softly and he regretted saying that because now the mood had changed into something heavier.

 

“Sehun..”

 

He stood up from the couch before yawning loudly. “I am sleepy. I am going to take a short nap. Let’s just order pizza for dinner tonight. I don’t feel like cooking.” He sent Jongdae a small smile before quickly heading toward his room. But before he could reached it, the door slammed right in front of his face and he gasped while stumbling back in surprise. He turned around on his heels to look at his friend. “Dae, what are you doing?” Jongdae rarely used his psychokinetic power in the house so the fact that he was using it right now meant Jongdae was upset.

 

Jongdae pursed his lips with a frown on his face. “Sit down.” Jongdae commanded and Sehun sighed in defeat before he made his way back to the couch.

 

“Lift your arms,” came the second command and Sehun hesitated a little bit before complying. The sleeves of his black shirt rolled up by itself and he turned his head away when he heard a small gasp emitted by Jongdae. “When did you start again?” Jongdae’s voice was shaking and the guilt Sehun was feeling inside was quickly building up within him. He broke the promise he made with his best friend. He knew he had hurt Jongdae again.

 

“I’m so-”

 

“When?” Jongdae cut him off and Sehun swallowed the lump in his throat.

 

“A-a few months ago.” He admitted, hanging his head low. 

 

“But you promised me. You said you will stop.” Jongdae said brokenly.

 

He sighed before rolling his sleeves down and folded his hands on his laps. “Yes, I promised you, and I tried. Believe me, I tried to stop, but I can’t. I’m sorry, Dae. I didn’t mean to break our promise, but I was not strong enough to stop. I will never be able to stop. I’m sorry.” He said softly, not looking at Jongdae in the eyes because he was too ashamed to do so. He got up from the couch and ran toward his room. This time Jongdae didn’t stop him.

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


He knew something was wrong when he entered the club and saw Baekhyun pacing anxiously in the hallway. He stepped forward and cleared his throat to let Baekhyun know about his presence. Baekhyun’s head snapped up and the shorter male looked surprised and relieved at the same time.

 

“Are you okay?” He asked his boss.

 

Baekhyun bit his bottom lip nervously and this was Sehun’s first time seeing his boss being so nervous.

 

“You have a new client.” Baekhyun said and Sehun furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

 

“That’s great right? So why do you look so stressed?”

 

“The problem is, he wants you.”

 

Sehun was confused. “What?”

 

Baekhyun sighed exasperatedly. “He wants you, Sehun.  _ You.  _ Not someone else. He doesn’t want you to shift to anyone else.”

 

“Oh.”  _ Shit.  _ “No, I can’t. Reject him.” He said quickly.

 

Baekhyun sighed again and Sehun had a really bad feeling about this. “I can’t.”

 

“What do you mean you can’t?” Sehun could feel panic rising within him steadily.

 

“He is a really important client. You know this club actually doesn’t belong to me. Well, I manage this club and technically speaking it’s mine, but it’s not. It’s complicated. But the point is, the real owner of this club is here, and he wants you to dance for him. In your real form.” Baekhyun explained and Sehun was totally freaking out right now.

 

“Baekhyun, I can’t. He will fire me if he sees my real self.” He said frantically.

 

“He can’t fire you. He has no right to do that. I am your boss, not him. Please, Sehun. I believe it’s not that bad.” Easy for Baekhyun to say because he had never seen Sehun’s real face.

 

“The whole purpose of me stripping in front of him is to pleasure him, but believe me, Baek, he will be disgusted the moment I take off this mask. Please, don’t make me do this.” He begged. He had never taken off his mask in front of other people, except Jongdae. He really couldn’t do it.

 

“That’s why he wants you to appear as your real self.”

 

“What?” Sehun asked in confusion.

 

“He has come here several times, and he knows you. He has seen you around and he is curious about how you look like.” Baekhyun admitted. “Sehun, please. I will pay you twice your normal fee and I will give you a week off. Just this one time, please.” Baekhyun looked at him pleadingly and Sehun really had no choice because Baekhyun was his boss and he was supposed to do as he was told.

 

“You really won’t let him fire me, right?” He asked again to make sure.

 

Baekhyun smiled reassuringly at him. “You are my best stripper, Sehun. I need you.”

 

He heaved out a heavy breath, guess he just had to face it. “Okay.”

  
  
  
  


It felt weird standing in front of the room where he usually pleasured the clients in his real form. He was still wearing his black hoodie and black mask. The guards were standing next to the door, looking at him in pure interest because they had never seen him like this before. He was always someone else when he entered this room, but now he was going to enter as himself. It’s so scary and he wanted to run away, but he needed this job to survive.

 

Taking one last deep breath, he knocked on the door before turning the knob and pushed the door. He kept his head low as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He could feel a pair of eyes on him but he refused to lift his head up. He was beyond nervous and he suddenly felt like puking.

 

“Oh Sehun?” A low and velvety voice greeted him and he flinched a little bit in surprise.

 

“Y-yes.”

 

“Are you scared?”

 

He didn’t know what to answer but turned out he didn’t need to because the stranger spoke again, “You are shaking.”

 

He closed his eyes and tried to calm down but it was hard when he thought about what he was about to do soon. No, he really couldn’t do this. He couldn’t let another person saw his face and body. He was not ready and he didn’t care anymore if he was going to be fired. He turned around and reached out for the knob when the stranger spoke again.

 

“Please don’t leave. I won’t hurt you, I promise.” There was a desperation in the stranger’s voice that surprised him. He was frozen on his spot and stood there as he waited for the stranger to say more because clearly he wasn’t going to say something right now. “I just want to talk.” The stranger continued and he frowned.

 

“Talk?” That’s not what Baekhyun told him and he had never talked with his clients before. This was all new to him.

 

“Yes. Let’s talk, Sehun. I will still pay your fee, but I don’t want you to strip, I just want to talk to you. Is that okay?” The way the stranger asked him was kind and he couldn’t bring himself to say no. Even though it was weird, he didn’t think talking would do any harm to him. It was new, but maybe he would get used to it.

 

Dropping his hand from the knob, he turned around again but his gaze was still fixed on the ground. 

 

“Thank you for staying.”

 

He was taken aback because he didn’t expect the stranger to thank him just because he decided to stay. He became more curious about the stranger. He wanted to know how he looked like because the stranger seemed to be a really nice person with a really nice voice.

 

Slowly, he lifted his head and his breath got caught in his throat when he finally saw the stranger who was standing in the middle of the room, right in front of him. The stranger was gorgeous. Probably the most beautiful human being he had ever laid his eyes on. He had a lot of clients before and some of them were popular models and actors. But none of them could be compared to the guy standing in front of him right now.

 

He suddenly felt even more self-conscious about his appearance that he already was. Why would a perfect guy want to talk to someone like him? He was the opposite of the stranger. He was ugly, full of scars. No one wanted to look at him. He felt so insecure being in the same room with such a gorgeous guy. It made him feel suffocated.

 

“I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Jongin. Kim Jongin.” The stranger introduced himself and Sehun could only nod because he didn’t trust his voice right now. “Please, take a seat.” Jongin motioned at the couch and he heaved out a breath before slowly making his way toward the guy.

 

He sat down and Jongin immediately took a seat right next to him. The couch was small, only enough for two people, and he could feel the warmth that Jongin emitted and oh god, it was really hard for him to breathe properly.

 

“Why are you nervous? Do I scare you?” Jongin asked in concern and Sehun wanted to say  _ ‘yes’ _ but then he knew Jongin would ask why and he wouldn’t be able to answer that question.

 

“Sorry,” he said instead and he knew that was not the answer that Jongin wanted but that’s all he could think of at the moment.

 

Jongin was silent for a while and Sehun tried to regulate his breathing because he felt like he could faint at any moment.

 

“I am not going to force you to take off your mask and clothes, so you don’t need to worry. I am sorry if that’s what it looks like. I really just wanted to talk to you.” Jongin apologized and seriously, why was he so nice? It was not good for Sehun’s heart.

 

“Why?”

 

“Why I wanted to talk to you?” Jongin asked and Sehun nodded his head.

 

“Because I want to know you better.”

 

Sehun frowned but he knew Jongin couldn’t see it because his forehead was covered by his hoodie. “Why?”

 

Jongin shifted on the couch to sit more comfortably and stretched out his legs. “Your aura is a dark shade of blue.”

 

“My aura?” Sehun asked in confusion.

 

Jongin sent him a small smile that successfully made his heart skipped a bit. “I have a power too. I can see someone’s aura. Every colour has its own meaning. Yours is a very dark blue. It’s almost black if one doesn’t look at it properly. I have been coming here frequently for the past two months, and the colour of your aura stays the same. It worries me because the colour of your aura means that you are hurting. You are lonely, sad, and scared. I won’t care if it stays for one day. But two months..for two months your colour stays the same, even now. Are you okay, Sehun?”

 

Sehun gaped behind his mask. This was his first time meeting someone who could see aura. He had heard about it before but he knew it was a really rare superpower. Even though he was fascinated at the power that Jongin had, it didn’t make him feel better about the whole situation. He felt exposed and all he wanted to do now was to dig a hole and hide in there forever.

 

“I want to help.” Jongin said and something inside Sehun snapped.

 

“Who do you think you are? I don’t need your help.” Sehun said coldly.

 

Jongin didn’t seem affected though, like he had been expecting this kind of response from Sehun. “You are not okay. You can’t lie to me because I can see it, very clearly. You are hurting, you are broken, and you need to let other people help you.”

 

“You have no right. You have no fucking right to say that.” Sehun was fuming in anger and he made a move to stand up but Jongin was quick to grab his wrist and force him to sit down again.

 

“Sehun, I can’t just ignore you when I know that you are suffering.”

 

“I am no one to you, so of course you can ignore me.” Sehun glared and tried to break free from Jongin’s grip but Jongin was surprisingly strong and he tightened his grip on Sehun.

 

“You are lying.”

 

“What?” Sehun narrowed his eyes at Jongin.

 

“Your colour turned yellow. It means you are lying. You don’t really want me to ignore you. Deep inside, you know you need someone to be there for you.” Jongin said calmly and Sehun really wanted to punch that handsome face.

 

“You don’t know anything about me. Let me go.” Sehun tried to pull away but Jongin was having none of it.

 

“Be honest with yourself for once, Sehun.” Jongin said sternly and Sehun tensed up. That was one thing that he was most afraid of. He  _ couldn’t  _ bring himself to be honest with himself, because the truth was going to hurt like hell.

 

“I just want to be your friend.” Jongin said in a softer tone and Sehun deflated. His eyes stung and he quickly ducked his head down. “Just let it out.” Jongin coaxed softly.

 

Sehun didn’t know what trigger him but he let himself cry. He had never cried in front of a stranger before. But the feeling inside him was too overwhelming and he felt like he could die if he didn’t let it out.

 

He felt himself being pulled into a warm embrace and he cried harder, soaking Jongin’s coat but Jongin didn’t seem to mind as he hugged Sehun tighter. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” Jongin whispered and Sehun knew it wouldn’t be okay. It wouldn’t be that easy. But he didn’t say it and buried his face deeper onto Jongin’s shoulder. For the first time in his life, he felt safe in someone else’s arms.

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


“So he finally made his move,” was Jongdae’s response when Sehun told him about his encounter with Jongin. Sehun furrowed his eyebrows in confusion at his friend’s reply.

 

“What do you mean ‘finally’?”

 

“I worked at the bar, Sehun. I served him each time he visited the club. He asked me a lot about you. I didn’t tell him much, don’t worry. I just told him that we grew up together in an orphanage before we ran away, and that our childhood were not the best. I can tell that he is a nice guy.” Jongdae smiled softly at him.

 

“So, you are saying that you guys are friends?” Sehun asked.

 

“Acquaintance will be a more accurate term.” Jongdae replied thoughtfully.

 

Sehun sighed as he let his head fall on Jongdae’s shoulder. “He is scary.”

 

“Why?”

 

“He can easily tell how I am feeling. He made me feel so exposed. Fuck, he made me cry in front of him. How embarrassing.” He groaned loudly and Jongdae chuckled.

 

“You need someone like him in your life. I am your best friend but you always hide your real feelings from me. It’s not helping that you are so hard to read. I believe he is going to be a good influence for you.”

 

Sehun scoffed. “I am fine with the way I am now. Besides, I already have you. I don’t need anyone else.”

 

Jongdae rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. “You do, you just don’t realize it yet. Just give him a chance, yeah? Please.”

 

Sehun closed his eyes and snuggled closer into Jongdae’s side. He didn’t reply to Jongdae’s question but Jongdae didn’t push him and continued rubbing his back gently. 

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


Jongin came again the next day. He was greeted with a warm smile when he entered the room and he was glad he was wearing a mask so his blush was well hidden. Jongin’s smile was pretty and he wished he had a pretty smile like that too.

 

“Hi, Sehun.” Jongin greeted and Sehun only nodded his head briefly in return. Jongin didn’t seem to mind as he made a space on the couch and asked Sehun to take a seat.

 

“How are you feeling today?” Jongin asked.

 

“Uhm, good, I guess.” He replied.

 

“Your colour is grey right now. I am glad you are not that afraid of me anymore.” Jongin said and Sehun unconsciously pulled his hood lower to hide his flustered face.

 

“Stop doing that.” He mumbled.

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Reading my feelings.”

 

Jongin chuckled. “It’s my power, Sehun. I can’t help it.”

 

Sehun slouched down on the couch. “It’s scary. I have never felt this exposed before.”

 

“I am sorry. I won’t keep pointing it out if it makes you uncomfortable.” Jongin offered kindly.

 

“Yeah, uhm, maybe don’t do it that often.” He said in a small voice.

 

“Okay.” Jongin smiled and Sehun had to look away again, because one was not allowed to look that beautiful while smiling. “So Sehun, when did you find out that you have a superpower?” Jongin asked, and he looked genuinely interested.

 

Sehun knew Jongin was trying to start a small talk with him to release the tension between them. When usually he would hate it, he didn’t really have a choice right now because he was stuck in this room with Jongin for the next hour.

 

“When I was six. I was hiding from my friends and in my mind I thought that if I could become someone else, no one would find me. And well, I really changed into somebody else. At that time I was thinking about one of my caretakers, and just like that, I became her.” Sehun shared. It was weird. No one had ever asked him this question before, not even Baekhyun. Jongdae didn’t count because Jongdae was the first person to know about his power.

 

“You didn’t freak out?”

 

Sehun shrugged. “I was already close with Jongdae at that time. I knew he had a superpower so when I found out that I have one too, it didn’t really surprise me. I thought it was normal. I was so stupid,” he laughed bitterly, “since when having a superpower was considered normal. I learned about the truth the hard way, but it woke me up from my delusional mind. I am not normal, I will never be.”

 

“There are a lot of people with super power in this world. You are not alone, and having a super power doesn’t make you abnormal, Sehun.” Jongin said comfortingly.

 

Sehun scoffed. “It’s easy for you to say that because you have never grown up in an orphanage where everyone treated you like you were a criminal.” He didn’t mean it to come out that harsh, but he couldn’t help himself. He had never had a talk about this with anyone before. He was confused and scared at the same time.

 

Truth to be told, Sehun knew now people were more accepting of people with super power. Because if that was not the case, he wouldn’t have been the most popular stripper right now. No people would want to book him. He knew time had changed. He knew that what happened back in the orphanage was a long time ago where people still didn’t really understand about superheroes. But it still didn’t erase the fact that he was bullied so severely because of his power.

 

Jongin looked like he was about to say something but decided against it. They were silent for a few minutes before Jongin broke the silence.

 

“I was pretty young when I discovered my power. I started seeing colours when I was two, but only found out what that meant when I was four. No one taught me how to interpret the colours, it just came to me naturally. I didn’t freak out too. I don’t know why though.” Jongin hummed thoughtfully.

 

Sehun was glad Jongin changed the topic and didn’t ask him further about what happened to him in the orphanage. He didn’t think he was ready to talk about that with Jongin.

 

“I think because you found out when you were pretty young so maybe you have considered it as a part of you.” Sehun replied. He felt more at ease now and he let himself relaxed on the couch. He missed the smile Jongin threw at him because he was busy staring at his lap.

 

“Yeah, I think you are right. So, is Jongdae your only friend who has a power?”

 

“He is my only friend to be exact.”

 

Jongin let out a soft ‘ahh’ but not in a mocking way. He chance a glance at Jongin and was surprise to see that Jongin was already staring at him.

 

“I can be your new friend.” Jongin grinned.

 

Sehun blinked but kept his gaze on Jongin this time. “There is a lot of people who are better than me. I don’t know why you wanted to be my friend.”

 

Jongin’s smile turned bashful and he looked almost shy. “I just wanted to.” Jongin replied with a small shrug.

 

Sehun didn’t try to read too much into things and just sighed. “You are weird.”

 

“I guess I am.” Jongin said nonchalantly.

 

“How about you?”

 

“Huh?” Jongin asked in confusion.

 

“Do you know a lot of people with super power?” He rephrased his question.

 

“Ah, yeah. I do. There is a lot of organizations for people like us. I am joining one of them. I can bring you there if you want. The people are really nice.” Jongin offered enthusiastically.

 

“Maybe not.” He immediately declined.

 

“Okay,” Jongin smiled kindly, “next time, when you are ready, just tell me.”

 

He didn’t think he would ever be ready.

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


Jongin visited him everyday for the next week. He had become more comfortable around the tanned male and he found himself opening up more to Jongin. He still hadn’t removed his mask though. He wasn’t sure he could take it off in front of Jongin. No matter how close they had gotten for the past few days.

 

“Hey, I am thinking of taking you out next week. I got bored coming here everyday.” Jongin said one day and Sehun looked at him with wide eyes.

 

“Uhm, are you sure?”

 

“Yeah. But only if you are okay with it. I mean, don’t you get sick of this place too?” Jongin asked teasingly.

 

Sehun contemplated this. They were just going to hang out outside. It shouldn’t be a big problem.

 

“Well, okay then.” He agreed.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. Why not?”

 

Jongin smiled widely. “Great. Give me your phone number so I can tell you the place and time.” Jongin reached his hand out and albeit a bit hesitant, Sehun took out his phone and handed it to Jongin.

 

“Okay, I have sent myself a message from your phone. I will call you next week, okay?” Jongin was clearly very excited about it and Sehun couldn’t help but to smile because Jongin looked kind of cute right now.  _ Kind of. _

 

“Okay.”

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


It didn’t happen very often anymore. Just sometimes when he woke up from a nightmare. He couldn’t fall back asleep. The nightmare was too vivid, too real. It always left him breathless, tears running down his face. It was always too much for him to handle. So he did the only thing he knew that could make him feel better.

 

After Jongdae found out, he hadn’t tried to hide the blade anymore. He just left it there on the bedside table so it would be easier for him to reach for it. Picking it up, he headed to the bathroom and closed the door before sliding down until he was seated on the cold floor.

 

He had done this too many times before that it didn’t hurt anymore. He felt it on his skin, it didn’t hurt, but the feeling of the blood dripping down his hand was comforting in a weird way. No one would understand this feeling, he thought. That’s why Jongdae always asked him to stop without knowing that it helped to calm him down. Only he understood this feeling. He needed this. He needed to do this to breathe, to be alive.

 

Adding a new cut wouldn’t change anything. His body was already full of scars and bruises. Just one cut wouldn’t make it any worse. He was already broken. Stopping wouldn’t change anything. Nothing.

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


“Uhm,” Sehun stopped in front of the door and stared at the building in front of him nervously.

 

“What happened? You don’t like this restaurant?” Jongin asked.

 

Sehun turned his head to the side and looked at Jongin. “We are here to eat?”

 

“Yeah, of course. They sell the best steak. It’s my treat, let’s go!” Jongin gripped his elbow and urged him to go in excitedly.

 

Sehun didn’t budge and pulled his hand away from Jongin’s grip, causing Jongin to look at him in surprise. “I can’t take off my mask.” He sighed. He had never gone out to eat before, because that meant people would see his bare face.

 

Realization hit Jongin and his eyes went wide. Sehun could see the guilt in those beautiful brown eyes and he hated the fact that he was the one who caused Jongin to feel like that. Jongin had been so excited when he came to pick Sehun up and in the car when they were on their way to the restaurant. He had just ruined Jongin’s happiness because of his own insecurity.

 

“Sehun, I am sorry. Oh my god, I should have thought about that. I didn’t mean to offend you, I was just so excited about our outing today. I am really sorry.” Jongin kept apologizing and Sehun felt really bad.

 

He knew he was going to regret what he was about to say next but he couldn’t stand seeing Jongin like this because it wasn’t his fault in the first place. It was normal for friends to go out to eat together. It was his own fault. Jongin wasn’t supposed to be apologizing to him right now. “Uh, is there like a private room in there? Where no one can see us?” He asked carefully.

 

“Yeah, I think they have a VIP room. But Sehun, we don’t have to do this if you are uncomfortable with it. We could do something else and-”

 

“It’s okay. Let’s go.” Sehun cut Jongin’s words off because he wanted to get through with this quickly before he changed his mind.

 

Jongin still looked a bit hesitant but Sehun could also see the relief in his eyes and that’s enough for him. “Okay. Let’s go.” Jongin opened the door for him and he ducked his head down before stepping into the restaurant. He kept his head down the whole time Jongin was talking to the waitress. He didn’t want to know how many people were there and he also didn’t want to see the strange looks they were throwing at him. He was covered up from head to toe but he still felt naked everytime he was in public.

 

“Hey, let’s go. The room is at the back.” Jongin appeared beside him and he nodded his head before following Jongin’s lead.

 

The room was small but cozy. Enough for two people to sit comfortably. The waitress told them to press the button to call her when they were ready to order before leaving them alone. Sehun sat down and released a loud sigh.

 

“Are you okay?” Jongin asked in concern.

 

Sehun looked up to meet his gaze. “Yeah, don’t worry.”

 

Jongin’s eyes flickered to the spot above his head and Sehun froze. Sometimes he forgot Jongin could tell his feelings from the colour of his aura.

 

“Let’s order.” Jongin didn’t mention anything about it though, instead he offered Sehun a smile as he passed the menu to Sehun.

 

Sehun ended up ordering the same things as Jongin because he trusted Jongin’s recommendations. The waitress came to take their orders before promising to come back in 15 minutes with their foods.

 

They were left alone once again and Sehun fidgeted nervously on his seat. Once the food came, he would have to take off his mask to eat. He was afraid of Jongin’s reaction. There was a high chance Jongin would be disgusted and then he would walk out of the room because he wouldn’t be able to eat while looking at Sehun’s face.

 

“I am not going to judge you, you know that, right?” Jongin suddenly said.

 

“It’s easy for you to say that now because you haven’t seen my face yet.” Sehun said in a small voice.

 

“Try me.” Jongin challenged.

 

Sehun sighed before removing his hood from his head. The air from the aircon blew his black hair gently and he looked up to see Jongin’s reaction.

 

“Your hair looks really soft,” was what came out from Jongin’s mouth. Sehun couldn’t hold back his laugh because that was such an unexpected comment.

 

“Well, thanks?”

 

Jongin smiled. “I am glad I can see your eyes now. I mean, I could see it before, but this time is clearer. You have beautiful eyes, Sehun.”

 

Sehun willed himself not to blush, but then he remembered he was still wearing his mask so even if he was blushing Jongin wouldn’t have been able to see it. Right, his mask.

 

“I won’t blame you if you run away after I take off my mask.” He told Jongin seriously.

 

Jongin looked at him dead in the eyes before he said in a very confident tone, “I won’t.”

 

Sehun snorted. “We will see about that soon.”

 

“Sehun, I know you are scared right now. I can see it. But you don’t have to. I am not going anywhere. I promise.” Jongin said sincerely.

 

Sehun bit his bottom lip nervously. He wanted to trust Jongin, he really did. But he had had so many experiences where people were disgusted by how he looks. Him showing Jongin his real face today meant a lot. It spoke how much trust he had on Jongin. He wished Jongin would keep his promise. Because even though he didn’t want to admit it, he had considered Jongin as one of his friends. He was happy with Jongin. If he was going to lose Jongin because of his appearance, he didn’t know if he would be able to open up to someone else anymore.

 

Their foods came and after this no one would come in unless they called the waitress. Sehun stared at his plate and he could feel Jongin’s gaze on him.

 

“I hope you won’t throw up.” He tried to make it sound like a joke but the way his voice trembled proved otherwise.

 

“Sehun, it’s okay. It’s going to be alright.” Jongin said softly.

 

Closing his eyes, he reached for his mask before pulling one of the straps off his ear. Taking one last deep breath, he pulled it down and he bit his lip harshly when he could feel his face being exposed inches by inches. The cold breeze hit his skin and he shivered involuntarily. He still had his eyes closed because he was too scared to look at Jongin’s expression.

 

He jumped in surprise when he felt a warm palm cupping his jaw. His eyes shot open and he looked at Jongin with wide eyes. “W-what are you doing?”

 

Jongin’s expression was….sad and he surely didn’t expect that kind of reaction from Jongin. There was no hint of disgust in Jongin’s face and it made Sehun felt bewildered because how was that possible?

 

“Does it hurt?” Jongin asked in a soft voice as his finger traced along the burn scar from his cheek all the way to his chin.

 

“N-no. Not anymore.” He answered breathlessly. He suddenly felt like crying because the look in Jongin’s eyes was not pity. Jongin was worried, genuinely concerned, and it squeezed Sehun’s heart.

 

“It must have been really painful.” Jongin retracted his hand and Sehun hated to admit that he missed the warmth already.

 

Sehun shrugged. “I was still alive, so..yeah.”

 

“Do you mind telling me how did that happen?” Jongin asked carefully.

 

“Maybe next time? The food is getting cold.” He replied. He didn’t want to have the ‘deep’ talk here. He would prefer a more private place because he was sure he was going to lose himself once he started.

 

“Oh, yeah sure. Whenever you are ready.” Jongin added quickly.

 

“Jongin?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Sehun looked at him with a small smile on his face. “Thank you. For keeping your promise.”

 

Jongin gave him a kind smile. “I will always keep my promise. And thank you for trusting me.”

 

The warm feeling in his heart was unfamiliar but not unwelcome. He could get used to it.

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


It always came suddenly, like a huge wave no one expected. It hit at the most random times and he was never prepared for it. He couldn’t control it no matter how hard he tried, so he stopped trying.

 

He woke up this morning feeling even shittier than before. He had this strong urge to cry and he just wanted to be alone. He locked the door and curled up on the floor. Jongdae knocked several times, but he ignored him, hugging his knees tighter.

 

“Sehun, are you still sleeping?” Jongdae sounded worried, like always. He closed his eyes and let a few droplets of tears fell. “I am going to work now. I will tell Baekhyun you are feeling unwell. I will call you later.”

 

Jongdae knew. It had happened a few times before. He was glad Jongdae understood his need to be alone right now. He heard footsteps walking away from his door, then the main door was closed, and..he was alone.

 

This was what he needed, but at the same time he felt very lonely. It was killing him. He hated himself when he was feeling like this. He felt useless and needy. It was a miracle Jongdae sticked by his side all these years. He didn’t deserve Jongdae. He didn’t deserve Baekhyun. He didn’t deserve..Jongin.

 

He was a trash. A nuisance. He shouldn’t have any friends. He kept giving them hard times. He shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be in this world. His friends, this world, were going to be a better place without him.

 

Standing up on shaky knees, he headed towards the bedside table. He picked up the blade and sat on his bed.

 

He flinched in surprise when his phone suddenly rang. He looked at the screen and sighed. It was Jongin. Jongin had been calling him since two days ago. He hadn’t picked up any of his calls. Why? He just didn’t feel like it. He just wanted to be alone.

 

He felt guilty. Jongin must be so worried. But again, that’s what he did best. Making people worried about him. He was annoying. A nuisance. A nothing.

 

It stung this time. He felt it. It hurt. He knew at that moment, that he did it wrong this time. There was too much blood. It hurt so badly.

 

He cried, god he was going to die. He really was going to die today. He thought he had always wanted this to happen, but why was he feeling scared now? No, he didn’t want to die. Not now. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was a mistake.

 

“Help..” He called out weakly. But then he remembered, he was alone. No one was home.  _ He was alone. _

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


His eyelids were heavy. He couldn't open his eyes. His body was stiff too. Even with his eyes closed, he could still feel the brightness around him. He heard murmurs. The voice, it was Jongdae’s voice. There was also another voice...Jongin?

 

It was with great effort that he managed to open his eyes a little bit. His left arm hurt and he felt a little bit dizzy. At that moment he realized that he was not dead yet. He was still alive.

 

“Sehun? Can you hear me?” Jongdae was by his side in an instant, his worried face came into view and the guilt came again.

 

He gave Jongdae a nod because he couldn’t find his voice. Jongdae’s eyes were puffy and he looked like a mess.

 

“God dammit, don’t you fucking dare do that to me ever again.” Jongdae broke down in tears and he wished he could hug his best friend, but his body couldn’t move.

 

“I was so scared. Doctor said if I was late for even just one minute you could have died. Why did you do that to yourself, to us?” Another familiar voice appeared and Sehun had to turn his head to the right side to see Jongin standing there, looking not much better than Jongdae.

 

“I know. You don’t have to tell me. You are sorry. You feel guilty, I can see it.” Jongin continued.

 

Sehun closed his eyes and held back his sobs. He wanted to tell them how sorry he was, but he knew it wouldn’t be enough.

 

“I found you, lying on the floor, covered in your own blood. Do you know how scary that was?” Jongin covered his face with his palms, he sounded like he was crying. It broke Sehun’s heart even more.

 

All he had ever done in his life, was to make people around him felt sad. That’s all he was good at. He really should have died. That way, Jongdae and Jongin would have been happier.

 

“I am so glad you are alive.” Jongdae smiled at him and he wanted to scream at his best friend to stop lying.

 

“He is not lying,” Jongin smiled, “you know I can tell whether someone is lying or not. He is really glad you are alive, and so do I.”

 

“You think you are a burden to us. But you are wrong. Jongdae cares for you. I care for you. I know we just met, but I really care about you. I wish you can see my heart so you know that I am not lying, that I am being really sincere.” Jongin continued.

 

He closed his eyes and released a heavy breath. “I want to be alone.”

 

There was a beat of silence before Jongdae spoke up. “Okay, I will be outside of the room if you need anything. Rest well, Sehun-ah.” His best friend caressed his head gently before walking away, leaving him and Jongin alone in the room.

 

“You too.” He croaked out.

 

Jongin just stared at him for a few moments. Jongin stepped forward and Sehun frowned at him. “What are you-”

 

His words were cut off when he felt a pair of warm lips on his forehead. “I really do care about you. I will wait until you believe my words. Until then, please let me stay by your side.” Jongin murmured against his skin and he could feel his heart beating faster inside him.

 

“I will come back later. Get some rest.” Jongin straightened up and sent him a warm smile before exiting the room.

 

His skin was still tingling from the unexpected kiss. He didn’t know what to do. It felt nice, but at the same time he felt terrified. There was no way Jongin was being serious. Why would someone as perfect as Jongin liked a broken being like him? It just didn’t make sense. 

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


It was past midnight. Jongdae was asleep on the couch at the corner of the room. Jongin had gone home to take his things so he could go to work from the hospital tomorrow morning. The two of them had been keeping an eye on Sehun for a whole day. They always made sure he was never left alone.

 

He couldn’t sleep. Jongin’s words kept replaying in his head. If Jongin was being serious, then it was not a good thing. He couldn’t let someone like Jongin be stuck with him.

 

It was terrifying. The thought of someone liking him. No one should like him. He was ugly. Useless. A burden. He would only bring misfortunes to Jongin and he couldn’t let that happen, because he cared for Jongin too, and he knew Jongin deserve someone better. Someone who was not him.

 

Negative thoughts were scary. It ate you up alive slowly. Clouding the rational side of you. But Sehun had been living with it since god knows when. It was a part of him, and he didn’t know how to ignore it.

 

His body still hurt, but he forced himself to get up and he picked up his jacket from the chair. He didn’t have any clothes because Jongdae hadn’t brought it yet from their home. But it’s okay, this would do. 

 

He walked past a mirror and that’s when he realized he didn’t have his mask with him. Dammit. But he needed to go. He couldn’t stay any longer.

 

Wearing his jacket, he put on the hoodie and pulled it down as far as he could. As long as he didn’t lift his head up, no one would see his face.

 

A voice in his head kept telling him to stop. Stop being stupid. Running away wouldn’t solve anything. But the other voice was stronger, louder. It came asking him to leave, because he would just be a burden to Jongdae and Jongin, that they would be happier without him. Jongin deserved someone better, someone who was not sick and insecure like him.

 

He opened the door slowly. He turned around to check on Jongdae who was still sleeping peacefully. His best friend had done so much for him, and he felt guilty for leaving without saying anything. But this was the right thing to do. He had to do it.

 

The hallway was empty, which was a good thing, because if a nurse saw him they would surely forced him to go back to his room.

 

His bandaged arm was throbbing in pain but he ignored it and walked faster in case Jongin came back and saw him. He decided to take the stairs because the chance of meeting Jongin in the elevator was high.

 

The relieve that he felt when he reached the first floor was short lived when he spotted Jongin walking into the lobby. He was looking around, trying to find an escape route when he heard his name being called.

 

“Sehun, where are you going?” Jongin walked towards him and all he could think of was to run. So he did.

 

He ran towards the emergency door but he was still feeling weak, so he couldn’t run that fast. From behind him, he could hear Jongin kept calling his name while chasing him.

 

“Sehun wait!”:Jongin yelled.

 

He almost reached the door when a hand grabbed his arm and turned him around. “Fuck, Sehun. Where are you going?” Jongin asked frantically.

 

“Let me go.” He tried to break free from Jongin’s grip, but it was to no avail.

 

“I am never letting you go.” Jongin said seriously. 

 

“I can’t stay.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I am a burden. You deserve someone better.” He sobbed.

 

“You deserve me.” Jongin pulled him closer and embraced him tightly. “Let me take care of you. Let me make you feel better.”

 

“You can’t.”

 

“I can try. Please let me try.” Jongin begged.

 

“I am broken. You can’t fix me.” He cried onto Jongin’s shoulder as Jongin hugged him tighter.

 

“Just give me a chance. Please?”

 

“You don’t know what I have gone through. You don’t know what have-”

 

“I know,” Jongin cut him off, “I know what happened. Jongdae told me. I know you were abused and bullied in the orphanage. I know you got that scar on your face from a kid who can control fire. I know your past wasn’t easy, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have a better future.”

 

“It was hard...it still is.” He confessed.

 

“I know. And I want to be there to make everything better. To take some of your pain away.”

 

He pulled away and lifted his head to look at Jongin. “Will you leave me too?”

 

Jongin cupped his face and caressed his scar softly. “I told you, I am never letting you go. I don’t care how long it will take for you to trust me. I will never leave. I will wait, until you trust me, until you believe me when I said I will stay.” Jongin smiled before leaning in and captured his lips in a soft kiss.

 

Maybe, it’s time for a change.

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


_ One year later... _

 

He decided to quit being a stripper and joined the organization for people like him. He learned how to accept his past and to love himself more with the help from Jongin. He learned how to deal with his insecurities and anxieties. He learned how to love and to be loved. All in all, it had been a hard yet awesome journey and he regretted nothing.

  
  
  


He was running late. He was supposed to meet Jongdae at the cafe fifteen minutes ago. He blamed his alarm for failing him today. He rushed to wear his clothes after a very quick shower. He reached for his mask before he suddenly stopped. He looked at himself in the mirror. The scar was staring back at him and he bit his lip as he looked at his mask again.

 

With a newfound determination, he put his mask back down and exited his room.

 

“You forgot your mask.” Jongin said from where he was seated on the couch.

 

Sehun smiled as he walked towards Jongin. “Do not need them.”

 

Jongin’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really?”

 

“Like what you have said before, a scar doesn’t define who I am. Let people stare. It shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. This scar is part of me, part of my life, part of my past. It is a prove of what happened in the past. It is a painful reminder, but at the same time, it is also a reminder of lucky I am to be still alive until now, to be able to move on and be happier.” He explained.

 

Jongin broke into a wide, proud smile and pulled Sehun down to sit on his laps. “I am so proud of you. I love you so much.”

 

Sehun smiled and bumped his nose together with Jongin’s. “I love you too. Thank you for changing my life.”

 

“Thank you for trusting me and letting me in to your life.” Jongin grinned and Sehun chuckled before pushing Jongin down onto the couch and pressed his lips firmly against his boyfriend’s. Jongdae would have to wait a bit longer.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading^^


End file.
